Blood and Whisky
by Silversnow
Summary: BryanxLei. Short story concerning the reactions and feeling about a certain event. Rated because I'm not sure, there's cursing, gory stuff and gayness in it.
1. Blood and Whiskey

This is the first time EVER I try to write something like this, so please be gentle. I'm not all too happy with it, in my own opinion Bryan talks too much and Lei is a wuss, but I'll have to wait and see what y'all think. Also, I have put this as complete, but I'm not sure if it is. I'll see if I add something more to it.

Enjoy it. Curse my name silently. Make up a chapter two. E-mail me and tell me Bryan and Lei's full backstory, please.Read and review?

Disclaimer: Namco owns these guys. Therefore, I do not. I wish I did, but I don't.

- - -

Lei leant against the doorway, staring out into the kitchen through half-closed eyes. The bright light stung him, he turned his face away with an uncomfortable grunt. He slowly raised his hand to his mouth and stroked his lips gently. He looked down on his bloody fingertips, stared intensively at them as if they were new to him. He slowly tucked his lower lip into his mouth and poked it with his tongue. As he had expected, it was the now familiar taste of iron and salt. He was bleeding again.

He sighed deeply and slowly walked over to the kitchen table. He collapsed on a chair and leaned against the table. He was breathing heavily, as if he had just made a huge effort. He coughed quietly and closed his eyes again. After a while, he tucked his lower lip into his mouth. He hated the taste of blood. He heard something move behind him and felt his inside turn into ice. It felt like a huge hand gently crushed him to death. He exhaled slowly and let his head drop to the table, letting it rest there. Someone else came out from the other room, stopping in the doorway as Lei had done before. Lei clenched his hands, breathing too quickly. He could almost feel the man's smile burning into the skin of his back. He moved around the table and sat down in front of him. Lei looked up. Bryan wasn't smiling. Lei didn't have the energy to wonder what it meant. He tucked his arms under his head, hiding his face behind them. His insides were still cold as ice. He heard Bryan get up again, moving to the sink behind him. Glasses moved. Lei licked his lips, wondering why he hadn't stopped bleeding yet. Bryan came back, putting a glass down on the table. He sat down heavily and sighed. Lei looked up at him again. Bryan was slowly massaging his temples. He opened his eyes again and noticed that Lei was looking at him.

"I have a headache." He muttered quietly and took a mouthful out of the dirty glass. Lei looked over his shoulder at the bottle of whisky on the sink. There wasn't much left. He smiled joylessly and turned back, meeting Bryan's eyes again.

"You look worn out."

Lei closed his eyes with a pained grimace and leaned his head against his hand. He wanted to snap back at him, he wanted to scream just to hear him scream back. He didn't have the energy to make that effort. He nodded slowly.

"I… have some days off." He mumbled with an unusually raspy voice. Bryan nodded without any real interest and drank some more whisky. Lei remembered he used to try to teach him how to do it right. He didn't want to say anything.

"I'll be fine." He added so quietly he barely heard it himself. He felt like laughing. He felt like doing something. They sat quietly together there for a while, Bryan staring out the window and Lei staring down on the table. Every now and then he raised his hand to his mouth and gently stroked his lips, not looking at the fingertips afterwards anymore. Every time he put his hand down, he left a few bloody fingerprints on the table's surface. Bryan glanced at him every now and then. He finally slammed his glass down on the table.

"Knock that off!" he snarled at Lei. Lei met his gaze, his hand still covering his mouth. He then looked down and lowered his hand, sighing slightly. Bryan looked like he wanted to say something else, but just gave a frustrated sigh and drank some more whisky. Lei glanced at him. Bryan didn't look back.

"You went too far." Lei finally stated quietly, with an almost surprised tone of voice. Bryan didn't show any sign that he had heard him. He got up from the table and went back to the sink. He put the glass down and stood still there. Lei stared at the wall for a moment before he turned towards him again.

"You went too far." He said louder this time. Bryan gave him a warning look over his shoulder while he reached for the bottle of whisky again. He unscrewed the top and poured himself a new glass. Lei got up from his chair. His hands were shaking. He took a deep breath.

"Bryan…" he began, but Bryan silenced him by simply raising his hand. He didn't even bother to look over his shoulder this time.

"Shut up, Lei. Just shut your fucking mouth." He said irritably. Lei looked down on the floor and hated himself for obeying him. He soon looked up again, but kept quiet. Bryan put the bottle aside. Lei took just a second to prepare himself, then quickly took a few steps forward, grabbed Bryan's glass and gulped the drink down. He forced himself to swallow it and slammed the glass back on the sink. He glared angrily at Bryan for a while, before he suddenly winced in pain and covered his mouth with his hands. Bryan grinned at him.

"Didn't see that coming, huh?" he asked and laughed quietly at him. Lei gave him another dark glare, backed to the table and sat down. He tried to wipe his mouth clean, but it just caused him more burning pain. He gave up trying to make it better and just waited for the worst to pass. Bryan was still grinning at him. Lei looked up at him.

"Why does it…" he began, but paused. He looked down on the floor again. Bryan's grin slowly faded as he realized what was about to happen.

"Lei." He began, not continuing until Lei was looking at him. "What the hell were you expecting?"

Lei made a strange noise, a mix of a snort and a sob.

"More games." He replied, almost ashamed. Bryan nodded slowly.

"And what was it I did that didn't fulfil your nice little daydreams?"

Lei stared at the floor, shaking his head slowly with an empty look on his face.

"Nothing…" he whispered. "You… you just went too far."

Bryan rolled his eyes, sighing in an almost theatrical way.

"'Too far'?"

Lei slammed his fist into the table, not raising his head to look at Bryan.

"You toyed with me…!" he hissed. "Like I was just…"

He didn't find words. He closed his eyes and took a quick, gasping breath.

"You toyed with me!"

Bryan leaned back against the sink and crossed his arms, sighing slightly.

"I think you don't know what you want. I know that is how you want it to be."

Lei looked up at him, his teeth clenched together.

"I…!"

"You can deny it all you like, but I know it!" Bryan interrupted him, almost yelling now. "I've thought about it myself, about why you keep opening the door. You love what I do to you. You hate me for doing it, but you love the feeling."

He paused slightly, meeting Lei's almost defiant stare. Bryan tilted his head slightly to the side with a nearly surprised smile.

"You love the feeling of having to control yourself, don't you?" he said with a low, dangerously soft voice. He stood up, now looking down at Lei.

"You love being constricted and having to fight the anger and fear that rise up inside you every time. You're right, it's always been games, and you think you want me to play by your rules. We play by my rules now. You're just telling yourself that you didn't like it."

Lei shook his head slowly and stood up. His hands were still shaking slightly.

"'Telling myself…'!" he whispered, smiling in an unsettling hysterical way. His face was so close to Bryan's now he could smell the whiskey on his breath. Bryan stood calmly, watching him without a trace of emotion on his face. Lei cleared his throat.

"Telling myself…" he muttered, nodding slowly as he took a few steps back. He raised his hands in a small shrug. "Of course…"

Within just a split second, Lei quickly gave Bryan a hard punch, making him stagger to the side. Bryan stood up straight again right afterwards as if nothing had happened, running his tongue over his upper row of teeth before clenching them together hard. He looked down at Lei again.

"Losing it already, Lei?" he asked with a grin. Lei turned his head away from him.

"Losing it… is that what you think?"

Bryan laughed shortly and quietly, walking slowly towards him. Lei barely noticed that he backed away as he came closer.

"You have no idea how fucking good it feels to see you like this. I know that all you want deep inside is to tear me to pieces and you don't know how to handle that. You don't know what to say or to do…"

Lei backed right into the wall. His eyes widened in a sudden surge of fear as Bryan took a firm grip of his shoulders and pressed him hard against it, his arms almost completely stretched out.

"…to uphold your image of complete fucking righteousness."

Lei struggled against his grip.

"Let go of me!" he hissed, trying to squirm out of it. Bryan pressed him against the wall even harder. Lei growled at him almost beastly. Bryan smirked at him.

"I should have broken you a long time ago." He told him, still with the gleeful smirk on his face. Lei's angry grimace faded away as he stared in almost chocked way at Bryan.

"I'm not broken." He protested quietly. "You can't break me."

Bryan nodded slowly.

"Of course not." He said. Lei clenched his teeth together.

"Let me go." He warned. "Now."

Bryan released one of his shoulders quickly, as if it was just an experiment. Lei raised his hand again.

"You'd regret that." Bryan growled lowly, burrowing his fingers into Lei's other shoulder, making him squirm slightly in pain.

"Let go!" he gasped.

"Why should I?" Bryan quickly replied. "My rules, remember?"

Lei stopped fighting him. He let Bryan hold most of his bodyweight up while he gave him an exhausted look.

"You're going to kill me if this continues, aren't you?" he asked quietly, almost afraid to meet Bryan's eyes. Bryan looked away from Lei's face for a short while, as if he had to get a moment to think. He stood like that for a while, staring intensively at the wall. When he finally looked back at Lei, Lei didn't want to hear the answer anymore. Bryan took a short breath as if he wanted to say something, but sighed instead, looking down. Lei tilted his head slightly to the side, still looking at Bryan.

"Aren't you?" he repeated, almost amazed by Bryan's reaction. Bryan raised his head again, meeting Lei's eyes. Lei saw something in them, some spark of emotion he had never even dared to hope to see in his eyes. He felt a flutter of joy and couldn't help but smile. It made his lips slightly tear up again. Bryan looked down on his lips, raised his free hand and brushed some of the small drops of blood away.

"Does that hurt…?" he asked quietly with a strange smile. Lei's smile died away.

"Answer my question." He said, only glancing now and then with an increasing feeling of unease at Bryan's bloody fingers. Bryan looked down on his own fingers with a slowly growing smile. He glanced at Lei. Without any warning, he took a firm grip of Lei's neck and pressed his face against his own, kissing him surprisingly gently. Lei closed his eyes and hoped for the best. Bryan kept it gentle at first, before he suddenly bit down hard on Lei's lower lip. Lei tore himself loose, screaming out it pain. Bryan laughed dryly and let him go.

"How about now!" he asked him loudly and laughed again. Lei turned towards him with eyes burning with rage, wiping blood from his mouth.

"Get out!" he snarled at him and pointed with a shaky hand at the door. Bryan shrugged and walked towards it.

"See you around." He called to him and opened the door. Lei ignored it, but looked up at him.

"Don't bother coming back." He hissed at him. Bryan froze immediately, waited for a moment and closed the door again. He looked back at Lei.

"I'll come back, Lei." He said lowly, not smiling any more. He glared darkly at him while speaking. "And you'll open the door, because just as I said earlier, you are so wrapped up in your own damn lie that you are 'good' that you look for ways to prove it in everything! And who would be better for comparison than me?"

"Shut up." Lei muttered, turning his back at him.

"Face it!" Bryan continued, ignoring Lei. "Beneath that nice, hard shell that your badge creates for you, you are just as rotten as me. What makes you any different, when the things about us that really matter are put up against each other?"

"Get the hell out." Lei said quietly, still with his back turned. "I won't open the door next time."

Bryan took a few steps forward and put his hand on Lei's shoulder. The muscles in Lei's shoulder tensed, as if he expected to be hit. Bryan leaned closer to him.

"If only I could have a buck for every time you've said that…" he mumbled to Lei with a smile and walked away from him again. He opened the front door again, stopped in the doorway and turned towards him again.

"Bye…" he paused shortly and smiled to himself again. "…detective Wulong."

He closed the door. Lei stood still in the now quiet apartment, concentrating on his breathing. He looked over his shoulder on the door, almost as if checking he was really gone. After a short while, he sighed deeply and slowly walked over to the sink. He moistened the wash cloth and wiped the table clean. He then squeezed the water out of it, carelessly tossed it to the side and washed his own face. His lower lip had already stopped bleeding again, now it was just an annoying, pounding ache. He didn't dry his face. He stood up, staring blankly at the white stones on the wall above the sink, not caring about the water dripping down on his shirt. He soon looked down again, turned the water on again and washed his face one more time. He didn't turn the water off, he leant against the sink, breathing quickly. He looked down on the water running, grabbed a small sponge from the side of the sink and began to wash his hands frantically. After what felt like the longest minutes of his life, he finally turned the water off again.

He stood still there, slowly raised his quiveringhands in front of his face and stared at the now red skin. He made a desperate, whining sound and clenched his fists. He looked down, took a deep breath and hissed it out, his shoulders shaking almost spastically. He closed his eyes and reached out for something. He found the whisky bottle just a bit away. He straightened up and stared at it, almost amazed by it. He unscrewed the top and slowly put it down on the side of the sink. He lifted it to his mouth and smelled it. He took a few steps away, closer to the front door. He looked up at it. He suddenly cried out in anger and frustration and threw the bottle towards the door. It smashed against it and coated the floor in front of the door with small glass pieces. The little whisky that had still been in the bottle had made a dark stain on the door. Lei sank to his knees with an almost devastated sob.

"Some super cop I am…" he mumbled to himself, looking at the stain on the door. His lip had been torn open again when he screamed out. One single drop of his blood ran down from his lip and dripped off his chin. He sighed deeply and wiped the rest of the blood off his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Super cop…" he repeated to himself and closed his eyes, listening to the silence.


	2. Death Incarnate

Rant:

Alright, first thing first. A big, heartfelt thanks to everyone who left reviews. I love all of you. I wish to carry your child.

Seconds. I was unsure whether to make this a whole new story or just a whole new chapter, but I went for this. Hope y'all like it that way.

Third. I was a little unsure of the whole 'Jake'-thing you're about to experience, but I didn't know how else to solve the problem my head kept making up for me. I hope I don't get my head ripped off for it.

Fourths. Forgive me for the head-hurting ending here. I couldn't make up my mind about what to put there, so I left it in its current state.

Fourths II. Please enjoy this, and leave a review on your way out.

- - -

Bryan stood at the top of the stairs, looking down the hallway. Rain water dripped down from his thin leather coat, making small pools of on the floor. Every now and then he blinked water out of his eyes. Apart from that small motion, he stood still, staring down the hallway with a stern look on his face. He clenched his hands into fists and let them relax again, repeating these motions over again. He closed his eyes for just a moment or two.

_Here I go again._ He thought to himself, opened his eyes with a short intake of breath and began walking down the hall with slow, heavy steps. It echoed in the silence as if it was the heavy steps of the…

…_harbinger of doom,_ ran trough his head again for what felt like the thousand time that night. He sighed deeply.

"How damn dramatic…" he mumbled to himself and looked up at the numbers above the doors. He had already reached number '80'. He made a slight, displeased grimace and looked straight ahead instead. Just a white wall, but it looked so familiar. Too familiar. He increased the pace and gritted his teeth, not wanting to admit to himself that he actually didn't want to go there.

87…88…

Sounds from a commercial on TV that was turned on too loud. It soon disappeared.

89…

His coat rustled slightly behind him. A picture suddenly came up in his mind, a short movie about Death incarnate, pacing down a hallway with a cloak billowing out behind him, covering the space behind him in complete darkness. His face veiled in shadows, yet the bleak light from the door he stopped by reflected from his almost predatory teeth, making them gleam ominously in a malicious grin. He stretched out a hand and without any effort pushed open a door that should have been locked and barred from the other side, the light that welled out covering him completely…

The scene replayed itself for his inner eye again and again. With a frustrated sigh he pushed it aside, not thinking twice about it. Not thinking about why he had felt it was 'Death incarnate'. Not thinking.

He suddenly stopped and looked up at the number again. This time it was '97'. He turned around and walked back. '93'. Lei's place. No turning back. He wiped some water from his eyes and stretched his hand out to knock. The door swung in without resistance as he touched it. Bryan stood still, his hand still stretched out before him, and stared at the door while an icy sensation spread through his body in surges. A high-pitched laugh and sound of applause from another apartment woke him from his trance.

_This doesn't concern you,_ a voice in his head he had began calling Jake said. _Just go away. Go away._

Bryan glanced at the stairs and knew that he wouldn't blame himself for anything if he left. He didn't have anything to be blamed for in the first place.

_DON'T go in there! What would you have to gain? It's idiotic just being here._

"I know." He mumbled to himself and opened the door completely. The apartment inside was dark. He felt a faint smell of whiskey and something else, something he still felt was familiar. He looked around for a while, trying to see or hear anything out of place. When he found nothing, he closed the door behind him and made sure to lock it. He smiled to himself, feeling the slight nervousness fade away, and flicked the light switch. He blinked in the sharp light and looked into the kitchen.

_Fuck…_ Jake stated, almost amazed, inside his head. Bryan didn't say anything. He leant against the doorway, looking at the chaos still with a slight smile on his lips. For some reason, the sight of beer cans spread all over Lei's kitchen made him feel…

_Proud?_ Jake suggested when he couldn't find a good word for it. Bryan shrugged slightly and kicked a can away.

_No, not proud, more like… gleeful, right?_

Bryan made a slight grimace and strolled slowly through the kitchen to Lei's fridge. He opened the door and scanned the containments.

"That sounds about right…" he muttered to himself and took out an unopened can of beer. He looked at the label, shrugged and opened it. He closed the fridge door, leant against it and looked out over the kitchen again. He could never have drunk all that beer by himself.

_Where is Lei, anyway?_

"Probably sulking in a corner somewhere, buddy." He said to himself and spotted something lying on the kitchen table. Just an old, black note book. He picked it up and looked through it without actually reading anything. Most of it was written in Chinese anyway and looked like it was work-related, a few pages were full of doodles. Bryan was about to put it back when he noticed a few pages in the back. He eyed them over and took a swig from his beer. He turned the page and saw that the last papers were torn out and appeared to have been shredded at places with the pen. He couldn't make any words out. He looked down on the floor, trying to find the papers that had been torn out, but didn't see anything.

_Can't you feel it? He was writing about you._ Jake gloated inside his head. Bryan muttered slightly and put the book back on the table.

_You mean you can't? You have no imagination. So you can't see him sitting here, his hair covering his tear-filled eyes, desperately scribbling down rambling expressions just to get it off his chest before it chokes him? And he's drunk too, that just makes it harder for him to do anything. Mm. Nice. Isn't it?_

"Shut up." Bryan grumbled and drank some more. He glanced at the bedroom door. He saw a corner of one of the torn out pages sticking out. He put the can of beer on the sink and picked it up. He couldn't read most of it, but one small sentence at the bottom stood out like it had been written in a different colour.

'i'm running out of air'

Bryan stared at the paper for a while and put it away, trying to push down the sour taste from his mouth. He could almost feel how the faceless man in his head he called Jake grinned at him.

_Isn't there something about those words that remind you of something?_

Bryan stared into the dark bedroom. The light shining in from the door didn't reach the bed. In a way he was almost happy. He could still leave and not have anything to regret. His eyes fell on the piece of paper again as if it was magnetic.

_It doesn't ring a bell? It's…_

"It's a suicide note…" Bryan whispered to himself. "Isn't it?"

He stared into the darkness again, his mind painting pictures of what was inside. He had imagined them before, over and over to himself.

_You know how it will be… His expression will be a stiffened mask of fear and incredible pain, just like you want it. Like _we _want it. The blood will be drip-drip-dripping down on the floor, probably from his face or the back of his head, making small flowers burst out on the already soaked carpet, the oldest blood already drying…_

Bryan put his hand on the light-switch. He felt a mix of fear and excitement. He found himself listening intensively to his inner demon's voice, as if he was a child listening to an exhilarating fairy-tale.

_He's never had a taste for the dramatic, so it won't be anything fancy, right? It'll just be a small hole in his temple and the back of his head just a damn mess of hair and blood. All the treasures his head once held will he splashed over the wall in an ugly splotch, since he won't care if it's pretty or not. And he'll be staring at you. His eyes fly open the moment the cranium shatters and life escapes him in a cascade of red. His eyes will be staring forever at you. Forever and always, until you sit one day in a chair with a gun in _your _hand._

Bryan let go of the light-switch and frowned, staring down on the floor. He didn't have to ask.

_Why I say that? Oh, you'll do that, believe me. One day when you realize you have nothing. One day when the two fuck-ups we are become too much for you to handle. One day when killing others simply isn't enough anymore._

"Shut up!" he growled to himself before looking up.

"Lei?" he asked loudly and took a quiet step forward.

_I'll be there in the background, Bryan_…

Bryan felt his leg hit against the end of the bed. He leant forward with outstretched hand.

_I can tell you when to pull the trigger._

He felt Lei's leg. He moved to the side of the bed and sat down next to him, feeling his body press against his when his weight forced the mattress down. He was warm, but that didn't necessarily mean anything.

_Then you'll be staring with an emptied head at the poor bastard who finds you. The only difference is that they won't care._

"Lei…?"


	3. Hatred

I hate him.

I wish sometimes that I was strong enough to love him, even if it is just for the small shred of the old kindness I see deep behind the cold in his eyes. But I'm not strong enough. To think, I am strong enough to hate with such fire that it sometimes frightens me. I am strong enough to joke away the questions of my bruises and smile even when my heart rots away in my chest and it feels like my very soul is falling away into a growing darkness. I'm strong enough to do a lot of things I once thought impossible, but not to love the only one I feel truly knows me.

And isn't that weakness?

Truly knows me… He does, and it frightens me more than I thought possible, and when you're as involved with him as I am, you become truly familiarized with fear. Doesn't that tell you a lot about this? About us? He looks at me sometimes, with those chilling eyes, and sees something in me.

Is it something he likes? I don't know what I want the answer to be anymore.

I hate him. I hate him for what he has done to me, all the things he has changed because he couldn't stay dead! I hate the pain, the scars, the desire, the tears, the blood, the fear and the long wonderfully forbidden nights of isolation from whatever reality is outside my bedroom.

I hate that he has made me fear his softness. That a soft kiss, a gentle caress or a careless, warm glance fills me with something close to panic. I can handle pain, I can handle wounds and that reckless anger he sometimes shows, but not that horrifying sense of foreboding those small things gives me. I hate him for that.

But still…

I love all the things I've hated from the start.

How did he do this to me? How is it possible for him to make me love misery, to break my dreams the way he does? When did he begin this? It feels like we have been doing this forever. I must be close to a breakdown. No human being can handle this… torture much longer than I already have.

I wonder sometimes if he already is killing me. If I will be long dead and already mourned by the time he decides my screaming, begging, bleeding and moaning isn't good enough anymore. For some reason that thought gives me a dark sense of satisfaction, as if I am winning a battle that already has been fought for too long.

I asked him a question, one he didn't answer. I asked him straight to his face if he would kill me if this continued.

I know the answer is yes.

And I would kill myself if I stopped this. I know I could never be able to handle how… empty life would become.

I was fucked from the start.


	4. Illusion

This chapter makes me feel I should have left it as a one-shot and taken a cold shower instead of uploading the second chapter. I have no clue where I'm going with this, seriously. Blegh! Anyway, it was an interesting experience writing this, these two guys completely hijacked the writing, doing stuff I simply did not want them to do! Can't you imagine me, sitting by my computer, yelling at the screen? Well, that's what happened. Literally.

In the end, I couldn't make them obey me. We had to compromise.

Hope you like it. And please, tell me what the hell I'm trying to do, here.

- - -

Lei woke up with a start and turned his head towards Bryan with a puzzled look on his face. He then groaned and fell back against the pillow.

"Go away." He moaned. "I'm trying to sleep."

Bryan leant back and shifted his legs so he sat on the side of the bed. He smiled to himself. Lei suddenly raised one hand and waved it carelessly against the door.

"Close the door, it's too bright out there."

Bryan remained on the bed for a while, looking down on the floor, before he got up and closed the door, leaving just a creak open. It illuminated the room more than enough for him. He knelt down and began untying his shoestrings with a slight smile.

"So… got you drinking, did I?" he asked with a snicker at the end. He heard a slurred moan from the bed followed by a short, loud laugh.

"Don't flatter yourself, Bryan, I've been drinking since before you were…" he began, but stopped himself before he could say the last word. Bryan looked over his shoulder at the figure on the bed.

"Afraid to say it?" he asked with a close to neutral tone of voice. He heard a deep sigh and saw Lei sit up. No one of them said a word for a while.

"Maybe." Lei finally replied quietly. "Maybe."

Bryan pulled off one shoe and began working with the other one. He nodded towards the door.

"Who were you drinking with?"

"No one. I poured most of them into the sink." Lei replied and a slight smile, barely more than a sudden twitch at the side of his mouth, appeared for a second.

"Why, are you jealous?"

"Of course not." Bryan snarled back, almost too quickly. He pulled the shoe off his foot.

"Why would I be?" he muttered to himself.

Lei lay down again and sighed, covering his eyes with his hand.

"Yeah, why would you be?" He mumbled, mostly to himself. Bryan stood up again and stretched. Lei gave him a quick glance before patting the side of the bed.

"Come lie down." He offered, moving a bit further to the side. Bryan looked over his shoulder at Lei with a questioning look on his face. Lei just lay there, looking back at him. He wasn't smiling. Bryan stood still for a short while, hesitant, before he slowly walked up to the side of the bed and lay down, looking up at the ceiling. Lei didn't say anything, he just lay there beside him, looking at a spot above Bryan's head. After a short while he reached down with one hand and gently stroked Bryan's fingers. He sighed slightly.

"I've been thinking a lot tonight." He confessed, sounding almost guilty.

"I noticed." Bryan replied dryly. He didn't show any reaction to Lei's touches. Lei sighed and moved just a little bit closer to him.

"I… just don't know how to handle it."

"Handle what?"

"Everything!" he suddenly snapped back through gritted teeth. Bryan didn't even look at him. "How can I handle all of this! My life, all my responsibilities, my guilt… you."

He mumbled the last word, as if he was afraid Bryan would hear it. Bryan suddenly smiled.

"Me?"

"You."

Bryan laughed quietly and shifted into a more comfortable position.

"That shouldn't be a problem, Lei, not even for you. Just don't let me in and I won't come back."

"It would just make everything worse."

Bryan glanced at him, his smile already faded.

"Why?"

Lei didn't meet his gaze.

"I told you about the guilt already." He mumbled. Bryan shook his head slightly, put his hand on Lei's chin and forced his head up.

"Lei." He said softly with a warm smile. "You fucking pussy."

Lei jerked his head back with a grimace and gave a short, frustrated sigh.

"I knew you'd say something like that. There's just no point telling you anything."

Bryan laughed loudly.

"Seriously, Wulong! What the hell _is_ this? Would you really feel so guilty for forcing me to go somewhere else to get laid?"

Lei quickly sat up, turning his back towards Bryan. He sat on the edge of the bed, as if preparing to get up quickly. He stared at the wall with an irritated look on his face.

"It's not that." He muttered.

"Then what is it?" Bryan sighed.

Lei sat perfectly still for a while, barely breathing. He then sighed deeply and turned his head towards Bryan.

"Why are you here?"

Bryan shrugged quickly. Lei nodded slightly with a thoughtful look on his face before suddenly straddling Bryan's waist. Bryan looked up at him, surprised. Lei put his hands on Bryan's shoulders and leant down close to his face.

"Is this what you want? Are you just here to 'get laid'?" he asked lowly and stared defiantly into his eyes, waiting for a response. Bryan shrugged again and grinned. Lei nodded quickly, looking almost hysterical. He began tugging Bryan's belt buckle with slightly shaking hands.

"Then let's do it!" he snarled at him. "Let's just do it so you'll get out and I can start waiting for you to come back, as usual! How about that?"

He almost shouted the last parts and pulled Bryan's belt from his pants. Before he could do anything else, Bryan sat up, took a grip of Lei's shoulders and wrestled him down on the bed. He pinned him down and kept his grip even when Lei struggled to break free. Lei finally gave up, his whole body relaxing under Bryan's weight. He sobbed quietly.

"Of course." He mumbled. "What was I thinking? I'm not supposed to do anything… All I have to do is to lay here and take it like a man, right?"

Bryan met his eyes and gritted his teeth. He didn't let go of him.

"Lei…" he growled quietly, but Lei interrupted him.

"I wonder who you think about while you fuck me!" he hissed at him. Bryan sat up and backhanded him over the face, hard enough for his head to snap to the side. He looked back almost right away, not doing anything about the blood trickling slowly from the corner of his mouth.

"Doesn't that take me back." He said quietly. Bryan backhanded him again on the other side of his face before taking a grip of the collar of his shirt, pulling his face close to his own.

"Shut the hell up, Wulong." He growled and pushed him back. "You don't have anything to bitch about."

Lei looked at the door, now wiping blood from his lips.

"I don't?" he asked, still not looking at Bryan. Bryan, in turn didn't look at him. He kept his eyes fixed on a spot on the wall to his side, staring at it intensively. After a short while he raised his hand to his head and began massaging his temple slightly. His expression had changed from angered to something very much alike remorseful. He looked down on Lei again, who was studying his face with great surprise.

"You liked it!" he hissed. "I know you did! You _did_!"

Lei hesitated for just a short moment before he shook his head slowly. Bryan looked away from him and gave a strange sound, much alike a mix between a sigh and a moan. He stared blankly in front of himself.

"You told me he would…" he mumbled to himself before moving away from Lei and lay down on the bed again, staring up at the ceiling. He still had the same look on his face. Lei got up so he was resting his weight on his elbows and looked at him, suddenly worried.

"Bryan?" he asked. "Are you…"

"Shut up!" he suddenly snarled and turned his back to him. After a short while he covered his eyes with one hand and put the other hand clenched to a fist near his chest. "Shut up, both of you!"

Lei wiped some more blood from his lips and leaned closer to Bryan, who was breathing rapidly, almost as if he was about to break into tears. Lei carefully put his hand on his shoulder.

"Bryan…" he began, but didn't know what else to say. After a while, Bryan removed his hand from his eyes.

"You wanted it." He said with an almost childishly defiant tone of voice. Lei moved closer to him.

"No. No, I didn't want it, but that doesn't matter now, it's already done. I don't blame you for anything."

Bryan didn't reply, he just muttered something to himself. Lei pulled him towards himself, so he rolled onto his back. He immediately turned his face away and closed his eyes. Lei only hesitated for a moment before curling up close to him, resting his head on his chest. He grimaced slightly at the lack of heartbeat and wondered like many times before what kept his body warm.

"It doesn't matter, huh?" he finally asked, almost too quietly for Lei to hear him. Lei didn't look up at him.

"I don't know… I…" Lei began again, but his voice trailed off at the end as he realized that he didn't know what to say. Bryan didn't move or say anything for a while, but finally sighed and slowly put one arm around Lei's shoulders.

"You're right." He agreed, sounding a lot more like his usual self. "It doesn't matter. And you won't tell anyone."

He made the last sentence almost sound like an order. Lei frowned to himself, looking at the wall.

"What makes you think that? What makes you think I'm just going to shut up about… that?"

Bryan closed his eyes and laughed quietly.

"Because I know you. I know you…"

Lei felt an unsettling cold spread in his stomach, a sensation he had come to associate directly to Bryan's company. He hesitated slightly and reached out to take Bryan's other hand. He was happy to find that Bryan didn't object. They lay there together for a while, not doing anything.

"I…" Lei finally said, quietly because he was not sure about how to start. "…would feel guilty for turning you away. Don't get angry, but I feel you need to come here sometimes. That you need to come here and… well, dominate me. Hurt me."

He looked at Bryan, trying to make out his reaction. His eyes were closed, his head turned halfway from Lei. Lei decided to take the risk.

"To be honest, I think you need me more than I need you."

Bryan didn't reply. Lei sighed in relief, moved even closer to him and squeezed his hand slightly, not caring that Bryan didn't squeeze back.

"Bryan Fury…" he mumbled. "Do you have anywhere else to go?"

He looked up at him after a while when he still didn't reply. He had to look at him for a long while before he realized he was sleeping. He rested his head against his chest again, sighing lightly.

"I'll take that as a no…" he mumbled to himself and fell asleep in Bryan's arms, allowing himself the momentary illusion of happiness.


	5. Captivity

Yay, 2006.

But seriously.This is by my own opinion the weakest, most sucking chapter of 'em all. Not to worry though, next one will be better. I swear.

All hail coffee.

- - -

Bryan is right, of course. I have no one to tell.

After a few hard hits over the mouth, just for something I said, he chained me to my bed, as he had many times before, using my own handcuffs. I suppose that one of his many thrills in this, incapacitating me with my own weapons. He didn't say anything about why my words had angered him so, he just gave me a completely blank look

(but there was something behind his eyes, something that wouldn't stop laughing)

before he fucked me again. There is no prettier word for it.

As usual, I hated it. As usual, it was painful. As usual, I loved it. I was almost disappointed when he stopped, as I always am, even when I have desperately begged him to stop. That's not what I think almost broke me that night.

It's when he got dressed and left the room. When I realized that he wasn't going to set me free. I think I panicked, tearing desperately against my handcuff, screaming incoherently as I grew all the more certain that his sadistic smile was the last thing I was going to see. Or maybe that he would leave me there to rot away in the dark. My own mind can be my worst enemy at times.

He soon came back, of course, and started all over again. He kept doing that all night. As I look back to it now, I know that the worst part for me was still when I realized that he wasn't going to set me free. Apart from that, it was just like any other night. So why did he react so strongly to it?

He told me once that a rapist was nothing, a man that was too pathetic to be looked upon as a man anymore. Is this what it is about? Why he keeps telling me I liked it? There was nothing about it that made it any different from all the other times he's taken me against my will. What was it about that night that made him suffer so much? I wish I could remember the exact words I said to him.

I remember one thing clearly, something that I sometimes replay to myself even when I don't want to see it. He had just set me free and I wiped blood from my face. He threw my clothes at me, glaring as I with my almost stiff hands put them on. Then he said, coldly:

"I can't stop you from lying to me, Wulong. But flesh is flesh, and cannot be faked."

I still don't know what he meant. What did I say to him?

Damn it, what did I say…?

It doesn't matter. The important thing isn't what has already happened, it is what I will do about it.

I will do nothing.

No matter who I tell, they will see it as me being tormented by a demon from my past. As strange as that might seem, it is not what I want them to see. And, most importantly, they will see that I was too weak to stop it before it was too late. They will see he is a criminal, one I've never tried to arrest or even stop all these times he's come to me.

They will know I liked it.

No one will know but us. In time, he will forget about it. I might forget, too.

I will think he did nothing wrong.

He did nothing wrong.

Just another thing I hate about him.


	6. The Weakness

Wow, some eventful weeks for me... (consult profile for more info on that)

I had some trouble with this chapter, I kept changing my mind about what I really wanted them to do. Lei is apparently as dumb as always. -kicks him-

Made some changes to chapter 3, just a sentence. Also, it's the very last chapter. I had fun and brainaches. Did you? Deep, heartfelt thank you for the reviews everyone! -performs a happy, happy tapdance-

- - -

Bryan woke up just a few hours later. He looked around the room, following his old habit of checking the room for anything unusual before he moved. The greyish light of dawn shone through the gaps in the Venetian blinds, giving the room an almost surreal look. Bryan still felt the weight of Lei's head against his chest.

_Ah, yes. Pretty little Lei…_ a by now far too familiar voice in his head purred. _Just makes you want to fuck him again, huh? Well, just wake him up, I'm sure he'll be more than happy to comply._

There was a hint of angered sarcasm in his mental voice. Bryan let his head fall back to the pillow, again looking up at the ceiling. He ignored the voice, instead just enjoying the serenity in the room.

_I didn't really like what just happened here,_ Jake continued, apparently not caring whether Bryan paid attention or not. _I didn't like the fact that you pretended I existed, that I was a _real _person, in front of him. I'm not, you know._

Bryan grinned. The very thought of hearing a voice inside your head claim that it didn't exist was amusing. Until it happened.

_He will probably think of it as a sign of weakness. He'll think you've changed, or are changing. Hell, it _was _a sign of weakness! What the hell were you thinking!_

Bryan's smile had already faded away. He looked down on Lei again, as if to check as if he was awake. He then leant back again, barely believing himself that he was about to argue with a mere figment of his imagination.

"I was caught off-guard." He mumbled, feeling ridiculous. "I…"

'_Caught off-guard'! _The voice boomed inside his head. _You almost started to cry like a goddamned GIRL! And your explanation is that you were 'caught off-guard'!_

"Shut up." Bryan muttered, crossing his arms under his pillow. "I don't have to explain myself to you."

_You're right, you really don't, because I already know every single little 'explanation' you can think of. Guess what, big boy, I don't believe one of them._

"Fuck off."

_Make me,_ Jake replied quickly and laughed loudly. There was something eerie about it. Bryan looked down on Lei again and moved his legs slowly down to the floor. He then pushed Lei's head off his chest. Lei mumbled something, turned around and went back to sleep almost immediately. Bryan ignored him, instead going out into his kitchen, closing the door after him. The smell of old, warm beer reached him. He carelessly swept the table clean of the cans there and sat down by it. He looked out of the window at the city, it too slowly waking up to face another day.

'_I know you liked it',_ Jake mimicked mockingly inside his head. '_You did, you _did'_! Who were you really talking to in there, Bryan?_

Bryan sighed and rested his chin against his hand, looking at the other end of the room. He suddenly grinned.

"No, the question is who was talking."

There was a long, inner silence.

_What?_

- - -

Lei stretched and yawned, desperately trying to cling to the surge of happiness he got when he woke up alone. He then grimaced at a sudden, throbbing headache. It slowly faded to an uncomfortable, tense sensation behind his eyes. He sat up, happy that he had slept with his clothes on, and reached for a hairbrush on the side of the table. He looked around in the dimly lit room while brushing his hair with long, slow strokes. He felt a mix of several different feelings, disappointment and a strange thrill some of them, when he noticed that Bryan's shoes still stood by the now closed door. He put the brush back down and set his hair in the usual ponytail before he opened the door to the kitchen. He saw Bryan sitting there, not looking back. He got a feeling that there was something he was supposed to recognize. He frowned and walked around the table slowly. He then sat down in front of Bryan.

"Good morning…" Lei mumbled and looked out of the window, at the now brightly coloured clouds barely visible over the rooftops. Then it hit him.

_It's just like back then!_, he thought to himself. _Just like after that night, just… reversed._

He involuntarily put his fingers over his mouth, as if by reflex. If Bryan noticed, he didn't say anything. Lei glanced at him, trying to see anything out of place. Bryan still wasn't looking at him.

- - -

_I know just as well as you what lies he said. I know how it made you feel. You reacted more strongly to them than I did, you hated him more than moment than you ever thought you could. For once since the first time, you were in on it. You wanted to hurt him almost as much as I did. For what? Were you jealous? Were you frightened? You told yourself he liked all those things because you know he usually does, even if he never admits it._

_I liked it. I liked that fear in his eyes, that panic and momentary madness when he realized what was going on. You're the one who tried to convince him, not I._

_I mocked him._

_Seeing it, _doing _it, made you suffer, made you weak. You might be my weakness, but you said it yourself…_

_You don't exist._

Bryan smiled to himself after that long inner monologue, still looking out of the window. He waited for a response and almost laughed out loud when he realized there would be none.

- - -

"Good morning." Bryan finally replied, still with that smile on his face. Lei turned his head towards him, feeling a growing sense of something like foreboding.

"How are you?" Lei asked, mostly to prevent an uncomfortable silence. Or an even more uncomfortable conversation. Bryan shrugged slightly.

"As usual, I guess. How about you?"

Lei masked his surprise with to him impressive speed.

"I… just have a little headache, it's nothing."

Bryan looked out of the window again. His wide grin had been reduced to an amused smirk. Lei tried to make it less obvious that he was staring, not sure about what to make of the glint of happiness in Bryan's eyes.

He hadn't seen that for years. He almost felt guilty when he realized he was going to kill it again.

"You didn't hear what I said a while ago, did you?"

Bryan turned his attention to Lei again. He frowned slightly.

"Before you fell asleep. What was the last thing I said?"

Bryan shrugged.

"I don't think you said anything."

Lei considered for a moment to let it rest at that, but something inside of him drove him on. Some need for confirmation.

"I asked you a couple of questions." He said, realizing what was going to happen. He regretted asking.

Bryan sighed slightly, an annoyed look surfacing in his eyes.

"And I guess you still want some answers?"

"Of course." Lei replied quickly, against all common sense.

Bryan leant back against the chair, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Alright then." he sighed. "Ask."

Lei looked down at the table, unsure about how to start. Bryan looked out of the window while waiting, not rushing him. Lei finally took a deep, quiet breath and met Bryan's eyes again.

"Do you have anywhere else to go?" he asked, sounding almost demanding without intention. Bryan didn't look back at him, or let his face show any emotion. Lei waited to the point where he was convinced Bryan hadn't been listening.

"Answer..."

"What makes you think I need somewhere to go?" Bryan interrupted him.

"Everyone needs a home or… sanctuary of some kind."

Bryan laughed heartily at what Lei said, making him relax slightly yet still feel tense.

"Sanctuary! Why would I need one of those when I have nothing to hide from?"

Lei shook his head slowly, sighing irritably.

"The point of sanctuaries isn't hiding, it's just a feeling of safety! A place where you know nothing bad could ever come to you."

Bryan grinned again, staring at Lei in an unsettling way.

"And you're saying that my sanctuary is…?"

Lei realized he breathed too quickly, but could do nothing about it. He met Bryan's eyes.

"You tell me." He replied, not wanting to say out loud what he was thinking.

Bryan nodded slowly with an unserious thoughtfulness, looking up at the ceiling. He then pointed at Lei.

"You." He said with a grin. "You're saying that my sanctuary is you."

Lei sighed and looked out of the window, trying to find something else to look at than Bryan's amused look.

"That would explain why you keep coming back, wouldn't it?" he muttered carelessly. He didn't realize he had actually said it until he noticed that Bryan's smile had faded. His eyes had darkened. Before Lei could do anything more, Bryan reached over the table and again grabbed the collar of his shirt again, pulling Lei near himself.

"I don't _need_ anyone!" he snarled. "I don't need anyone or anything. I don't need _you_!"

He spat out the last word as if it had a foul taste and pushed Lei back. Lei fell back at the chair, almost tipping it over, and stared at Bryan with a surprised look on his face. His expression then turned from surprised to stern.

"I'm sure you don't." he said darkly and stood up, correcting his shirt with almost nonchalant disregard for Bryan's outburst. "But it's not me coming to your place over and over without an explanation. Face it, Bryan, you need me more than I need you! The fact that you get to fuck me is just a bonus, isn't it?"

He wanted to keep going, to vent his every frustration, but stopped himself before he could say anything else, not wanting to make things worse than they already were. Bryan glared at him for a while before he got up from the chair and walked around the table slowly, his eyes fixed on Lei. Lei backed away when Bryan came too close to him, knowing that it was an extremely dangerous situation. Bryan stopped after a while, when Lei almost had been cornered by him. He then tilted his head to his side with a smirk.

"I don't know when I saw you this frightened last time." He said slowly, unable to hide the glee in his voice. He stretched his hand out and followed Lei's jaw line down from the ear to the chin.

"Right… now I remember." He purred. "You were in chains…"

"Stop it." Lei whispered, the desperate tone in his voice was caused by the knowledge that he would continue, just because he asked him not to. Bryan took a step closer to him.

"Why?" he asked with a strange, dangerous sweetness in his voice. He put his hands on Lei's neck, pulling him slightly closer to himself. "I thought you said that didn't matter. Were you lying again?"

Lei closed his eyes and turned his head away from Bryan, not daring to turn around fully. Against his will, he felt a strange thrill and warmth spreading in his stomach. He hated his own treacherous body.

"Yes." He managed to whisper after a short while.

"You know I hate lies, Lei…" Bryan whispered, his face uncomfortably close to Lei's. "Just hate them… And you've already managed to lie twice tonight. If you ask me, you just love punishment. Some fetish you got."

Lei was sure for a moment that his legs would be unable to keep carrying him any longer. Bryan then let go of him and stepped back, still smiling. He looked at him for a moment, as if admiring his looks, before he disappeared into the bedroom again. Lei sighed in relief and almost fell towards the table. He leant on it for a while before he sat down. He sat there for a while, trying to make his heart slow down by willpower alone. Bryan returned from the bedroom, this time with shoes on again. Lei looked up and met his look.

"Well." He said shortly and grinned sadistically. "Nervous, or what?"

Lei didn't bother to reply. He looked out of the window instead, trying his best to ignore Bryan, despite the danger that was in that, too. He closed his eyes and sighed quietly, knowing all too well that there was nothing he could do that wasn't dangerous to him one way or another.

"What was it I said that made you so angry?" he asked instead, glad that his voice didn't sound as weak as he felt. Bryan frowned slightly.

"What?"

"That… night. What was it I said? What was it you said was a lie?"

Bryan crossed his arms with a sigh and slowly strolled to Lei's front door. Lei didn't get up to follow him and Bryan didn't check.

"I might not come back this time, Wulong." He called over his shoulder. "Then we'll see who needs who." He added, partly to himself, yet loud enough for Lei to hear it. He looked forward again, unlocked the door and put his hand on the door handle. He stood still there for a while, thinking.

"I want to be able to love you." He called, not looking back. Lei raised his head with a surprised look on his face. After a short silence, he allowed himself to smile. He didn't realize until a few moments later that despite his heartfelt smile, he had clenched his fists until his knuckles turned white.

"What?" he called back. Bryan's own grin was gone. He looked down on the floor.

"That's what you said." He called again and opened the door. He didn't look back, even when he closed the door. He walked slowly towards the stairs, still looking down.

"That was the lie." He added, quietly, as if there was a risk someone would hear it.

_No_, the ever defiant voice in the back of his head snickered. _It wasn't._

- - -

Lei sat still for a while, a thousand thoughts running through his head. He didn't say anything, couldn't think anything coherent at all, just sat there staring at the floor. He was still smiling, even though he knew those words were his, not Bryan's. They were still words he had never even dared hope to hear him say. He got up and slowly walked to the front door. Almost unconsciously, he listened for steps outside. He turned around and noticed something unusual at the corner of his eyes. He looked to the side and saw Bryan's coat.

"He must have forgotten it." He said to himself and crossed his arms over his chest. He glanced back at the door. Without a moment's hesitation, he turned back and locked it. It gave him a strange sense of satisfaction, even though he knew that a simple door wouldn't stop Bryan if he really wanted to get in. He took Bryan's coat down from the hanger and looked at it for a long while. He wondered if Bryan would come back for it. He grimaced when he realized that he actually would open the door if he came back for it.

_I said he needed me more than I needed him,_ he thought to himself, bringing the coat with him to the kitchen. _I never said I don't need him at all._

He stopped there and looked around at the beer cans on the floor. He had forgotten all about his mild hangover, now it came back with renewed strength. He put the coat on the table and looked around. After a short moment, where he just stood and stared at it, he disappeared into the bedroom and brought out Bryan's belt as well. He put it around his own waist, just to see how it would look, but removed it again with a shudder. It reminded him too much of a collar. He wired the belt around the coat and fastened it there. He then stepped back, almost admiring them. For a moment, he almost wanted Bryan to come back.

His eyes fell on the notebook on the floor. He bent down and picked it up. After a moment's hesitation, he threw it into the trashcan. He didn't have to look through it to know what was there, and he was ashamed he had written it down. He looked at the coat again, feeling the anger rise up within him again. He quickly walked around the table, opened the window and picked the coat up again. Without looking at it, he carelessly rolled it together to a ball and threw it out, half hoping Bryan would never find it.

He then sat down, enjoying the light breezes from outside airing out the smell of old beer, and let himself forget for the moment that he waited for Bryan to come back.


End file.
